I’m getting sick and tired of people asking me why I’m running for president in 2016. The answer is that I have to run. The GOP can’t run another big government establishment candidate masquerading as a true conservative. So I’m stepping up to the plate. And I’m going to win, largely because my policies will appeal to young people, libertarians, and Reagan Democrats. But that’s enough of the generalities. Here are the twelve specific changes you can expect when I become your 45th president.
1. Passing the 28th Amendment. There is a proposed 28th Amendment floating around the Internet. It reads: “Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States.”
Unfortunately, the proposed amendment is considered to be an “urban legend” by various websites. Its origins are not even perfectly clear. But I think someone needs to take this idea and run with it and turn it from an urban legend into a reality. I don’t care whether the idea came from Warren Buffet or Jimmy Buffet. I’ll be inaugurated on a Friday. But come Monday I will be pushing this idea from the bully pulpit.
2. Replacing the IRS with the Fair Tax. In June, I buried the hatchet with Neal Boortz. After two years of bickering over abortion, I realized I needed him to join my presidential administration as Secretary of Treasury. He says he’s going into retirement to fly airplanes. But I need him to push for the implementation of the Fair Tax and the abolition of the IRS. So I’m going to let him fly Air Force One as an incentive to come out of retirement. I hope it works. I plan to fire, not hire, thousands of IRS agents in the aftermath of Obamacare. That is because I believe the IRS is not a “service.” It’s more like a terrorist organization. If the agents agree to leave quietly, I promise not to send them to Gitmo.
3. Drilling in ANWR. I once heard a politician say it would do no good to drill in ANWR because we could not start drawing oil for a decade. But that was over a decade ago. So I’m moving forward. Some say we can only rely on ANWR for a few decades worth of oil. Nonsense! Plus, they fail to realize that if we continue to rely on the Middle East for oil there will be no United States left in a few decades.
4. Closing the Department of Education. George W. Bush gave us No Child Left Behind. My educational policy will be All Bureaucrats Left Behind. Washington DC has been controlling local education for far too long. That will end when we abolish the Department of Education. All levels of education will benefit from local control. Additionally, our universities will have a chance to return to a state of normalcy.
Obama’s Department of Education has demanded that state universities strip due process rights of students accused of sexual assault and sexual harassment in exchange for federal funds. Consequently, alleged rape victims no longer have to prove their cases beyond a reasonable doubt in university judicial proceedings. This kind of extortion will end as soon as we get the feds out of state education.
5. Closing of HUD. Does anyone really need to know why I’m shutting down HUD? Have you been in any urban area of America recently that did not appear to have been poorly developed? Government agencies always do a worse job than the private sector. And government agencies that are further away from a problem always do a worse job than government agencies that are closer to a problem. We can’t expect a federal agency in Washington to develop urban areas as far as 3000 miles away. Greater distance from a problem means less knowledge about the problem. Less knowledge about a problem means worse decisions directed toward resolution of a problem. So I’ve decided to get rid of HUD.
6. Repealing Obamacare. I really don’t know what Mitt Romney was thinking when he said “There are some parts of Obamacare I like.” I guess he forgot he was no longer running for office in Massachusetts. He was supposed to be pretending to be a conservative running for national office. Please be assured that you’ll never hear such nonsense coming out of my mouth. Obamacare isn’t a law. It is an assault on self-governance. I hate every bit of it and I plan to destroy it.
7. Raising Social Security Eligibility. Social Security has always been a bad deal. But it has gotten worse over the years as average life expectancy has increased. This has changed the ratio of those paying in to those paying out so that the program is no longer solvent. Obviously, eligibility requirements must be changed in order to keep the program afloat. It would be nice to increase the age of eligibility until the program ceases to exist. That will take a while. But I will be the first one to substantially raise age eligibility. The old folks might vote me out after one term. But that’s ok. I have a retirement plan. It’s called a presidential memoir.
8. Removing Embassies from the Middle East. If I let my daughter go to a neighbor’s house and she was then molested by one of his sons, I would not let her go back over there as a guest. Plus, I would demand justice for my neighbor’s son. I certainly would not resume diplomatic relations. I feel the same way about countries that cannot control their radical extremists. If they attack one of our embassies then we’re going to have to kill someone. And we won’t let our ambassadors go back over there if it’s not a safe place to be. Plus, it will be a good excuse to withdraw aid to some of these places. If they don’t have running water by now, there’s no hope for them anyway.
9. Impeaching Internationalist Justices. I hope Ginsburg lives until 2017 so I can see her impeached on my watch. She goes to foreign nations and in public speeches calls our constitution “irrelevant.” I plan to make her irrelevant. But she won’t be the only one. Any Justice who has ever written the phrase “according to international law” in a legal opinion will be impeached. They were sworn to uphold our constitution. International law is irrelevant.
10. Reducing the Size of the Military. Liberals are always complaining about the size of the military. I agree that there should be fewer people in the military. Under my administration, you will see an immediate reduction in our military forces. That is because there will be no more women and gays in combat positions. It’s just a bad idea for our country to be defended by gays and women. Those who think I am off on this one have their heads firmly planted in a fox hole. Political correctness and sensitivity training are distractions that should be reserved for civilian life. We can’t afford the luxury of such distractions in an age of terrorism. So it’s best that our military be comprised of a bunch of men who are not interested in sleeping with each other and don’t care about offending each other.
11. Abolishing the fed. First there was the housing bubble. Next, there will be the student loan bubble. There will be an endless string of bubbles until we get politicians out of the business of setting interest rates and controlling the banking industry. The free market alone should determine interest rates. As long as the fed is around, the free market will never have an opportunity to correct problems before they become bursting bubbles.
12. Repealing the PATRIOT Act. Sometimes emergencies necessitate government action. The problem is that once the emergencies pass, the government apparatus stays in place. Income taxes and other permanent solutions to temporary problems have plagued us for far too long (and they have been used to fuel further government expansion). The PATRIOT act is also interfering with my efforts to reduce the entanglement between our government and our banking system. Therefore, it must go.
Well there it is. I’ve laid everything out on the table except for my choice of a Vice Presidential candidate. I’m considering giving the slot to the First Lady. But I fear she would be offended by the demotion. So maybe I’ll put her in charge of dismantling Obamacare.
See you on the campaign trail. And remember to vote early and often.