Dear CRM 495 Students:
Welcome back! It’s hard to believe that Christmas break is over and that it’s time to start a new semester. It’s almost as hard as believing that one of your professors is actually sending you an email using the word “Christmas.” But even the liberals agree that I am no ordinary professor. Please allow me to explain.
After I got tenure, I left the political Left and became a conservative Republican. I know you’ve never had a conservative professor before and you are probably wondering what to expect. In a nutshell, you can expect to hear the truth about a number of things for the very first time in your college career. And that means you can probably expect to be offended from time to time.
Just in case you are wondering whether you are getting in over your head, let me give you a few examples of beliefs I hold, which you may well deem to be offensive. Based on the following revelations, you can make an informed decision as to whether this class is really for you.
African-Americanism. I think the term African-American is ridiculous. If you insist on being called this then you aren’t American and you’ve probably never been to Africa. If you demand to be a hyphenated American then you’re just un-American. Get over yourself or get out of the country. Sorry if you’re offended but you offend me with your ethnocentrism.
Coke. I cannot stand that four letter word that begins with “c” and refers to female genitalia. Repeating it at The Vagina Monologues does not make women empowered. It makes them unrefined idiots. If you c*** c*** a feminist play without using feminists who say the word c*** then you simply c*** be taken seriously. Sorry if you’re offended, but women who curse like sailors offend me.
Daddy issues. Every semester, I get at least one female student who comes into class late and hyperventilating. She makes a scene in order to get sympathy. Then, she apologizes after class while dumping all her personal problems on me. Let me be blunt: women like this have daddy issues. Put simply, daddy didn’t give them enough attention and now they are seeking it from me because I remind them of daddy. Sorry that offends you. Go tell your daddy.
Guns. I have more guns than I need but fewer than I want. In fact, as I sit in my home office writing this email I am positioned between two packed gun safes. There are enough guns in this room to issue a 21 gun salute in the event you don’t make it through the semester. There are also about 12,000 rounds of ammunition in this room. And there is more elsewhere in the house. Some people are afraid of guns but I am afraid of gunlessness. Most of your professors say that homophobia is a social disease. I say that hoplophobia is a social disease. If you don’t like abortion – oops! I mean guns – you don’t have to have one.
Momma’s boys. Every semester, I get at least three male students who cannot run their lives. They constantly ask me questions that I have already answered on the syllabus. When is the first test? What kind of questions are on it? How many tests are there? These are the kinds of young males who still could not wipe their bottoms when they were 12 (and probably still can’t do their own laundry). If you are one of them, you have no chance of passing my class and no chance of succeeding in life. Please drop out now and join the army. Sorry if that offends you but you need to be a man. If that’s too much to ask, just complain to momma next time you’re home dropping off your laundry.
Pepsi. I cannot stand that five letter word that begins with “p” and refers to female genitalia. Every year at The Vagina Monologues, they sell p***** pops, which are little candied vaginas on a stick. The feminists walk around licking them in a display of feminist empowerment. I hate to be p**** but why don’t they sell p**** pops, too. Maybe that would offend them. That’s too bad because their sexism offends me.
Queer Centers. When I was a kid, we played “smear the queer” (dodge ball). Later, they said we could not call it that. Now, the word “queer” has made a queer re-entry into the realm of social acceptability. Some colleges are even opening “Queer Resource Centers.” Make up your mind, thought police. And stop acting like women with daddy issues! Sorry if that offends you. Indecisiveness offends me.
Racial Preferences. If you can’t get into college without checking a box that says African-American or Hispanic, you do not need to be here. Sorry but the only reason there are racial differences in SAT scores is because minorities refuse to take off the training wheels. You’re just as smart as anyone else so hop off the Big Wheel and join the bike race. Sorry if you’re offended but your racism offends me.
Wolf-crying. People cry racism all the time. In fact, I’ve been told I’m a racist for opposing affirmative action. That’s funny to me. I don’t think blacks need a crutch because I believe they are equal. Therefore, I’m called a racist – even though I was the first kid on my block to own a Flip Wilson record. Those people (oops, I said, those people) need to chill. In fact, I should let them borrow my old Flip Wilson record to lighten the mood. Next thing you know, they’ll say Flip Wilson offends them because Geraldine made fun of cross dressing. Have I mentioned that cross-dressing offends me?
XXX. Pornography is more than disgusting. It is evil and I hate it. This is probably not offensive to anyone – unless, of course, you are a porn star. But, once you become a porn star, you pretty much give up the right to be offended. If you’re offended anyway just drop my class and sign up for one of Dr. Porco’s instead (no I did not make up that last name). Dr. Porco was just hired by the UNCW English Department despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that he published a book of pornographic poems – some of which were written while he was drunk and hanging out in topless bars. He tries to pass them off as academic. And that offends me, which is why I simply choose not to read them.
Now that everything is on the table, you are ready for your first assignment. Since this is a class covering the First Amendment, we are going to focus on important US Supreme Court decisions dealing with free speech. Our first case will be Gitlow v. New York. I want you to read it with two questions in mind:
1. Since the Supreme Court nationalized the First Amendment, speech codes have emerged on most state-run campuses. How have these speech codes survived in light of the nationalization movement?
2. Holmes’ dissent in this case has been often quoted. If he is correct in saying that “every idea is an incitement” then how can universities actually enforce speeches codes? As they are actually enforced, do these codes violate other portions of our constitution?
As you can see, we’ll be tackling some serious issues this semester. So we need to weed out all of the self-absorbed, hypersensitive products of the era of political correctness in higher education. That was the purpose of this email. If you are still reading then congratulations! You’ve demonstrated more intellectual integrity and emotional maturity than the majority of your professors.
See you next week in class.