Here in the Tar Heel state, the Republicans have taken over the House and the liberals are freaking out. Thank goodness they don’t have guns. Otherwise, they’d be shooting up the campus and causing irreparable harm by injecting lead into the public water supply. One university chancellor was so freaked out she said this about the proposed Republican budgets cuts: “If the Republicans get their way we’re going to have to raise tuition by $2000. That will mean that most of the expense of higher education will have to be paid by the people who are using it – as opposed to the general public.”
That’s a frightening prospect for a liberal, now isn’t it? Just imagine a society where people have to pay for the goods and services they use instead of having “society” foot the bill. To live in such a world would make people accountable for their actions, which might actually motivate them to conserve scarce resources. And we can’t have people conserving because that sounds too much like “conservative.”
(Author’s note: The word “conservative” is considered hate speech on most college campuses. I have a theory that most academic programs lack rigor because the word “rigor” sounds like another word that is banned by campus speech codes – unless, of course, you’re a black or hyphenated American).
But, of course, the chancellor was right this time – I guess a blind nut occasionally finds a squirrel. So there will be budget cuts and there will be resentment among Generation Entitlement (hereafter: Generation E) students. Therefore, I’ve come to the rescue with a plan that solves everyone’s problems. My plan helps us cut the state budget for higher education while helping to ease the resentment that will undoubtedly ensue among Generation E students.
My plan is very simple: Combine African American Studies, Gay & Lesbian Studies, and Women’s Studies into one academic program called “Resentment Studies.” I know that initially some will resent my proposal. But allow me a chance to explain my thinking with a few examples:
1. After my recent column “Rigor Please,” I received an angry email from an African American Studies major. He said he resented my assertion that his major was not rigorous. He also said he resented my use of the term “rigor” in the title of the column. There’s no sense in letting this young man just stew in his resentment. I propose letting him study his resentment so he can take full advantage of it upon graduation.
My brief interchange with that student gave me the idea for a Resentment Studies major. His African American Studies program had taught him to guilt people into silence (or into giving him entitlements) by hating his country and expressing resentment towards white people. So let’s just come right out with it and call it Resentment Studies rather than masking the true intention of African American Studies.
2. And, speaking of coming out, I got an email from an ex-student who happens to be gay. He said he was outraged to find out that I oppose gay marriage and have written numerous articles criticizing the gay rights movement. He said that (had he known my views) he would not have taken my class. He also said that (had he found out about my views while he was in my class) he would have withdrawn (from the course). He closed his email by inviting me to perform oral sex on him. I declined the offer because I’m a heterosexist pig.
Rather than charging the kid with sexual harassment I decided to offer him a government entitlement by allowing gays (not just black ones) to major in Resentment Studies. Since the guy made it through a whole semester in my class without knowing my views on homosexuality he had no reason to be resentful. But, since he was resentful anyway, he should hone those skills in a new Resentment Studies program. Heterosexism breeds resentment – and so do breeders! We must, therefore, make room in our diversity mission for an academic program promoting gay resentment. And administrators should stop Stonewalling, now!
3. Speaking of NOW, we can’t allow the feminists to miss out on the opportunity to major in Resentment Studies. In fact, I’ve already recruited the first potential feminist major for our program. This young criminology student wrote a policy paper proposing the death penalty for second degree rape. I criticized the student – reminding her that the Coker and Kennedy (no, not Teddy) Supreme Court decisions do not allow executions for rape. But the student got a different reaction from a feminist faculty member who simply said “Good. We need more angry feminists.”
Some people think we need more angry feminists like a fish needs a bicycle. But I think we need more angry feminists in Resentment Studies. Asking that criminology major to change to Women’s Studies would be so passé. Gender is such an antiquated concept. Thank goddess for Resentment Studies!
I appreciate having the opportunity to defend my proposal before the first generation of Resentment Studies graduates decides to repeal the First Amendment. This will be the downside of teaching people to resent the Framers because they owned slaves.
Of course, I know there are still people who are angered by my proposal – particularly black lesbians who can no longer triple major in African American Studies, Gay & Lesbian Studies, and Women’s Studies. They should be especially angry since they have to pay for one degree rather than having the “general public” supply them with three. On the other hand, I am confident that the really angry graduates will perform better during job interviews. Employers are dying to hire people full of resentment with the credentials to prove it.