Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut (Sometimes You Are)


Author’s Note: The following column contains language that is likely to be offensive to some. It also contains content that is guaranteed to be offensive to everyone with common sense.

Any guy who calls himself “Jennifer” is likely to be high-maintenance. Jennifer Braly, a student who has male genitalia, complained to the University of Arkansas at Fort Smith (UAFS) about his inability to partake in a “pom squad tryout.” As a result, UAFS changed its policy to accommodate males who want to try out for the pom squad – simply because they think they are females. The University of Arkansas system hasn’t gone to such lengths to accommodate a sex pervert since they agreed let Bill Clinton teach constitutional law at the Fayetteville campus.

Of course, we all know how the university’s capitulation has played out: it has resulted in the 38-year old Jennifer Braly demanding to be allowed to use all the women’s restrooms on campus. This is problematic because Jennifer has had a name change but not a sex change. Generally speaking, college girls don’t expect to see someone pull out a penis in the women’s restroom – unless of course it’s the women’s restroom at a frat house on a Saturday night.

After initially being denied access to the women’s restroom, Braly turned to Attorney General Holder for help. And he responded to the deranged damsel in distress. A letter from the Department of Justice (DOJ) has now caused UAFS to reverse policy and allow Braly permanent use of women’s bathrooms on campus. This is despite fervent and understandable opposition from female students. It is also despite the fact that Braly is the only one to have filed such a complaint at UAFS.

It is worth noting that Braly not only calls himself “transgender” but also admits that he is afflicted with a “gender identity disorder.” The fact that he is currently raising money online for sex re-assignment surgery makes it indisputable that he is mentally ill. What is curious is the DOJ decision to side with an obviously mentally ill student against the backdrop of numerous complaints from normal – and not imagined – women who would prefer not to see Braly’s penis the next time they use the women’s restroom. Braly belongs in a mental institution. But I guess an American university is a suitable substitute.

This whole situation is all the more ridiculous given that the university has several gender-neutral bathrooms Braly could use instead of invading the women’s restrooms. Of course, that option wasn’t good enough for Braly who complained online that “(T)here are not unisex bathrooms in every building. Especially the two main buildings where most of my classes are, so I have to go to a completely different building to use the restroom.” The university offered to convert more current bathrooms into gender-neutral restrooms. But the 38-year old Braly was still unsatisfied. And he decided to sue.

The decision of the DOJ to make this a federal civil rights issue is disturbing. And, naturally, many of us who are aware of the case are also interested in seeing the letter DOJ sent to UAFS. But neither the DOJ nor UAFS are releasing that letter. My friends at Campus Reform have tried but to no avail. So I have decided to intervene.

My approach to dealing with the DOJ will simply be to pull rank on them. Although I never finished law school, I’ll pretend to be a lawyer. Although I’m not a lawyer, I’ll pretend to be a judge. In fact, I’ll pretend to be the most powerful judge in the land – the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court. Next, I’ll write a letter to Attorney General Holder explaining that he must reverse himself on the Jennifer Braly bathroom mandate (or is it a woman-date?).

It really makes sense to shoot high when you’re pretending to be something you are not. I just hope that when Jennifer Braly has his penis removed it isn’t reattached to his forehead. I’d hate to see a unicorn using the unisex bathroom.

Another Author’s note: Check for updates on this developing story. And, ladies, check the lock on the stall the next time you use the ladies restroom on a college campus. The next civil rights sit-in might not be one you want to witness firsthand.

Previous articleAmarillo By Morning (Smith and Wesson on My Mind)
Next articleWest must resist urge to act in Syria
Mike S. Adams was born in Columbus, Mississippi on October 30, 1964. While a student at Clear Lake High School in Houston, TX, his team won the state 5A soccer championship. Mike Adams graduated from C.L.H.S. in 1983 with a 1.8 GPA. Mike Adams was ranked 734 among a class of 740, largely as a result of flunking English all four years of high school. After obtaining an Associate's degree in psychology from San Jacinto College, Mike Adams moved on to Mississippi State University where he joined the Sigma Chi Fraternity. While living in the fraternity house, his GPA rose to 3.4, allowing him to finish his B.A., and then to pursue a Master's in Psychology. In 1990, Mike Adams turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer. . Upon getting his doctorate in 1993, Adams, then an atheist and a Democrat, was hired by UNC-Wilmington to teach in the criminal justice program. A few years later, Adams abandoned his atheism and also became a Republican. He also nearly abandoned teaching when he took a one-year leave of absence to study law at UNC-Chapel Hill in 1998. After returning to teach at UNC-Wilmington, Adams won the Faculty Member of the Year award (issued by the Office of the Dean of Students) for the second time in 2000. . After his involvement in a well publicized free speech controversy in the wake of the 911 terror attacks, Adams became a vocal critic of the diversity movement in academia. After making appearances on shows like Hannity and Colmes, the O'Reilly Factor, and Scarborough Country, Adams was asked to write a column for . Today Mike Adams enjoys the privilege of expressing himself both as a teacher and a writer. Mike Adams is also an avid hunter and reader of classic literature. Mike Adams published his first book, Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel, in 2004. His second book, Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus, was published in 2008.