OK, Ted Koppel, spend your “news show” time tonight to list the 500 Americans who died in Iraq to inform Americans who might not have heard about this whole “Iraq” thing.

Apparently that will take you 30 minutes, assuming it’s you, Mr. Koppel, who will be doing your show tonight instead of a replacement host as happens two or three days per week while you’re at your beach house lamenting, I don’t know, all the freedom.

Then starting on Monday, list the untold hundreds of thousands killed by Saddam Hussein using those weapons of mass destuction that Sean Penn and you say didn’t exist. Estimates range from 300,000 to 1,000,000 and other estimates say it was 16,000 innocent Iraqi citizens per year. That excludes the rapes and tortures. Let’s just say 500,000 and forget about the taudry listing of rape vicitms and the tortured.  That will take 1,000 of your devinely inspired news shows.  That will take you 4.5 years, every night, five nights per week, 48 weeks per year (the heroic dead are important to list but your 4 weeks of uninterrupted beach-house time is important too!  Am I right?).

Then list the 800,000 innocents killed in Rwanda while the U.N. and Clinton Whitehouse did absolutely nothing at all whatsoever.  That will take you another 7.2 years, every night.

Then list the 5,000,000 people who died at the hands of communist leaders since just before you were born in the early part of last century.  That will take another 45 years.

Then list the millions of Jews killed in the Holocaust.  Say, 5,000,000.  That will take yet another 45 years.

At the beach house, read Pulitzer Prize winner Samantha Power’s book called A Problem from Hell : America and the Age of Genocide, and it lists countless millions of others.

But I’ve already given you enough to help you with all your “informing Americans”. It will fill your time for roughly the next 101 years in total, starting on Monday.  You’ll be twice as old when you’re done. And Americans will be none the wiser, at least not to your credit.